Gambling Jokes

Tony, had a serious gambling problem, every time he came home his wife would ask him how much money he lost at the casino.
Then one night, Tony didn’t come home at all.
Finally, he arrived home at 9 AM. His wife was furious at him.
Tony smiled at her and said, ‘I have something to confess, I was at the bar last night, got drunk, and went home with the barmaid. We had the most incredible sex ever.’
‘Don’t give me that rubbish,’ his wife snapped. ‘Come on, tell me, how much did you lose last night?”

“That rotten husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbor.
“You didn’t do it, did you?”
“I have to admit I did – though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is now paid up for six months!”

The casino in Alice Springs is a bit backward. They don’t even have Keno. Instead, they’ve got a girl who comes up to your table and says, “Okay, I’m thinking of a number between one and ten…”

Bill Gates arrives at the doorway to the afterlife. On his left is the gate to heaven and on his right is the gate to hell.
“We don’t know what to do with you, Bill. Thus, you may choose for yourself between heaven and hell.”
Bill peeks into heaven where he sees a couple of old men seated around a table. Then he peeks into hell where he hears loud rock and roll music playing at a bar with several beautiful women dancing and people having sex, but most important, people were gambling.
“Send me to hell!” shouts Bill, whereupon he was thrown into the fire.
“What the hell is this? You promised gambling, women, and sex!” He cried out.
The devil says: “That was just a demo version.”

This episode from Taxi has some awesome gambling stuff

A guy wakes up in pain in the middle of the night and goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and tells him he was born with three testicles, the third one just descended and a simple medical procedure would take care of it.
The guy says he’s a player and doesn’t want a medical procedure, and in fact has been waiting for something like this all his life.
He goes to the nearest bar, orders a drink, and tells the only other guy in the bar he will bet him $300 that between him and the bartender they have five balls. The guys say that’s so ridiculous that he’ll take him up on it and puts $300 on the bar.
The bartender heard the whole thing and is trying to get the attention of the guy who offered the bet. “Hey buddy, yo, pal, wait………..”
But the player is anxious and decides it’s time to decide the bet.
The bartender says, “Buddy. I kept trying to get your attention. I hope you were born with four of them.”

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they’d have to drastically alter their lifestyle.
“If you’ll just learn to cook,” he said, “we can fire the chef.”
“Okay,” she said. “And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.”

A fellow was about to enter a bar when a dog tugged at his trouser leg and said to him, “Hey, pal! Wanna make some quick money?”
The man couldn’t believe his ears. He said to the dog, “Can you talk?”
“Yeah,” the dog answered, “and that’s how we can pick up some easy money. You take me into the bar with you, pretend I’m your dog and bet everybody I can talk.”
The fellow thought that was a great idea, so he took the dog into the bar, set it on the bar, and announced to everyone that the dog could talk. The other patrons didn’t believe him, and it wasn’t long before several thousand dollars had been bet. Finally, after all the bets had been placed, the guy said to the dog, “All right, go ahead and say something.”
Nothing.
He told the dog again, “Hey! All the bets are placed! Say something, for God’s sake!”
The dog just looked at him and whined.
He, asked again and again, but the dog wouldn’t say a word. Finally, the fellow had to pay all the bets, scooped up the dog in disgust and walked out. Once outside, he screamed at the dog, “You just cost me way over a thousand dollars! You got anything to say before I seriously boot your mangy arse?”
“Take it easy, pal! You ain’t thinkin’,” the dog answered. “Tomorrow night, we’ll be able to get odds of fives or better.”