A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because “It's a lot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president's balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand.”
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Jack is walking down the street with a bag of cream buns when he runs into his friend Michael.
Michael says to his friend, “How about we make a bet. If I can guess how many cream buns are in the bag you have to give me one of them?”
Jack says back, ‘Hey that’s a good bet. Actually, if you can guess right I’ll even give you the both of them.”
“Sweet!”, says Michael, “My guess is three cream buns.”
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "Why do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca. And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow, that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Satan: "'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "Hell, no!"
Satan: "Hm, you gonna hate Fridays then."